


Roy Mustang and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

by saltedpin



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-10-17
Updated: 2010-10-17
Packaged: 2017-10-12 18:17:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,609
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/127696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saltedpin/pseuds/saltedpin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Totally AU. No sad endings here for anyone!</p>
    </blockquote>





	Roy Mustang and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

**Author's Note:**

> Totally AU. No sad endings here for anyone!

Führer Roy Mustang was having a bad day. He had had to spend the morning signing paperwork after both Hawkeye and Havoc had refused to forge his signature, at lunchtime he had been assaulted by some of Ed's cookies (and, after he had ventured an opinion about their quality – or lack thereof – the baking tray Ed had brought them in on), and in the afternoon he had been forced to endure hours and hours of parades, all with the theme 'Führer Mustang – Best Thing Ever'. As it turned out, he really could tire of being told how fantastic he was. Ed would never believe it.

He had been looking forward being chauffeured home. He had thought he might stop by the flower shop and get a bunch of roses to soothe Ed's obviously hurt feelings and flirt with the girl who worked there, but as it happened he fell asleep in the back of his official limousine and forgot.

'Damn,' he thought, waking up outside his house. He peered briefly into the neighbour's garden, wondering if they'd notice if he pinched some of their begonias. They weren't as romantic as roses, but Roy doubted whether Ed could tell the difference between different kinds of flowers anyway.

He was just beginning to warm up to the idea when he noticed the majority of his wardrobe lying on the lawn outside the house. As he observed this, an antique desk flew out of the window and crashed into the ground below, splintering all four of its legs. Scrambling out of the car, he watched in horror as his collection of formal eyepatches followed shortly after.

"ED!" he shouted, turning his face to the upstairs window. "WHAT IS MY STUFF DOING ON THE LAWN?"

"IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'VE DONE," Ed screamed back, "THEN THERE'S NO POINT ME TELLING YOU."

The sentence was punctuated by several records flying out the window, coming to rest at Roy's feet. Roy looked at them. ' _101 Ishbalan Songs of Praise_ '.

"These aren't even _mine_ ," he shouted, picking one up and waving it in what he imagined to be Ed's general direction.

"I KNOW," Ed shouted back, "but if Scar plays it one more time, I'm going to kill something."

That was fair enough, Roy thought, but it still didn't explain why Ed was apparently removing the contents of their room to the garden.

"Look, is this about your cookies?" he asked, after a sudden epiphany.

Ed's enraged face appeared at the window again. " _No_ , it's not _just_ about the cookies," he said, "it's about _you_ being a shit in general. So you can just get out and go live in your office, seeing as you love it so much."

Roy gaped. What fresh hell was _this?_ He was fairly sure Ed was just making crap up now. Marching to the door, he manfully grabbed the doorknob, only to find it wouldn't twist.

"FULLMETAL!" Roy bellowed, using the name he only used for Ed when he was really angry. Or they were having sex.

"There's no point in trying to come in, I got Al to melt the doorhandles," Ed shouted from above. Meanwhile, a vase Roy had received as a present from the Emperor of Xing smashed on the concrete next to his foot. Roy certainly hoped Ed wasn't actually _aiming_ for him now.

"I'm sorry Mr Mustang," Al's voice sounded mournfully from the other side of the door. "Ed _made_ me do it. I didn't _want_ to."

"Al," Roy tried to keep his voice to a reasonable level. "Al. Surely you can see what Ed is doing is silly. Please, would you just let me in, and then we can talk about this like grown-ups?"

Al's hesitation was almost palpable, even from the other side of a wall.

"But…" he started. "But brother would be angry. I don't want to upset him."

"Alphonse, he's _already_ about as angry as he can possibly get," reasoned Mustang.

Al hesitated again. "I don't know about that. You didn't see him after I accidentally pushed him off the roof once and his pants got snagged on a tree and Winry saw his butt," Al said.

Roy cast a hand to his forehead. At least that explained why Winry had gone off with Sciezka, if her first experience of male nudity was Ed, caught on a tree, revolving slowly and screaming.

"Look, Al, I really think you should let me in," Roy said, painfully aware of the fact that, of the two Elric brothers, he really had gotten the bum deal. When Scar and Al fought, which was rarely, it was usually about Scar not having replaced the lid on the toothpaste, and it was all over in about five seconds, always with mutual apologies, and, later that night, Roy imagined, sensitive, timid, possibly tear-wracked lovemaking during which they assured each other that they'd never fight again and went to sleep snuggling and holding hands. Roy was just beginning to wonder whether he should either ask Al for relationship advice or vomit, when the handle was transmuted back to its original form and Al's face appeared around the side of the door.

"Okay, I'll let you in," he said, "but you have to tell brother you broke a window and overpowered me, or something."

"No!" Roy said, annoyed. "Your brother is so overprotective he'd probably –"

"ALPHONSE!" Ed screamed, suddenly appearing at the top of the stairs, his face a picture of shocked and offended outrage, railing against the terrible betrayal of his younger sibling. "HOW COULD YOU???"

"Brother, _please_ ," Al pleaded, "be reasonable."

" _You_ be reasonable!" Ed wittily rejoined.

"Look, Ed, I'm sorry I said your cookies tasted like the cowpats of Satan's cowherd. I had, uhh, just brushed my teeth or something, so I couldn't taste them properly," Roy said, opening his arms in a gesture of appeal.

"Oh, that's lovely," Ed said, advancing menacingly down the stairs and causing Roy to take an involuntary step backwards. "Just lovely! Even _Scar_ said they didn't taste too bad!" Ed pointed an accusing finger to where Scar was quietly reading a book at the dining room table. As if to increase Roy's discomfort, he deliberately took a bite out of one of the cookies and chewed it slowly, staring confrontationally at him. When Ed's back was turned, he spat it into a potplant. Roy scowled.

"What _ever_ , Fullmetal. He probably doesn't even know what cookies are _supposed_ to taste like. And even if he did, he'd probably say State Alchemists _stole_ all of Ishbal's proper cookies and then they had to make cookies out of sand or something," Roy said. "So yeah, I imagine to Scar they probably taste just great."

"MMMMMMM," said Scar threateningly.

Al looked nervous.

"That's beside the point!" Ed shouted. "The point is you _never_ appreciate _anything_ I do for you! You go off to your office all day long, and only phone me to ask me not to use up all the hot water. I only did that _once!_ "

"You did _not_ ," Roy retorted. "You did it every day for a month until I asked you not to, and then you somehow transmuted the plumbing so I couldn't get anything _but_ hot water and I had to get Breda and Fuery to come and fix it."

"Serves you right," Ed sniffed, looking airily in the other direction.

"That doesn't even make any _sense_ , Ed!" Roy shouted, starting to loose his own temper. "Look, _I_ built this house when I became Führer, and it's through my courtesy that you and your brother and your brother's ridiculous Ishbalan serial killer boyfriend –" at this, Al looked nervously at Scar, who was staring darkly at Roy from beneath his brows "— are allowed to live here. So if I were you, I'd walk out onto the lawn right now and pick up all of my clothes and transmute all of my stuff back to the way it was."

"Just as well I'm _not_ you," Ed said loftily, "or I wouldn't be _able_ to walk out onto the lawn with that enormous stick up my butt."

"Oh that is _it_ , Fullmetal!" Roy shouted, snapping his fingers combusting the floor underneath Ed's feet.

"Oh no, not again," lamented Al.

"TAKE THIS!" Ed screamed, clapping his hands and causing part of the ceiling to collapse, barely missing Roy, who, leaping out of the way, snapped his fingers again and ignited Ed's pet cactus.

"Alphonse Elric, I think it would be better for us if we went for a walk," Scar said, closing his book and standing up. Al nodded sadly. It wasn't so much the fighting he was worried about as what usually took place directly _after_ Roy and Ed argued.

"You're dead, Fullmetal!" Roy shouted, throwing himself across the room and catching hold of Ed's ankles as he tried to run up the stairs.

"GET OFF ME, YOU PERVERT!" Ed screeched, attempting to kick Roy in the face as he tried to drag Ed back down the stairs and succeeding only in pulling Ed's pants down.

"Oh my God," Al said as he and Scar walked hurriedly towards the door. By the time they reached it, Ed and Roy's fighting had turned into something altogether different.

"Oh yeah, you like _that_ , don't you Fullmetal?" Roy was saying as Scar helped Al get his jacket on.

"Stop talking, you're ruining the mood," Ed snapped.

Scar opened the door to let Al go out first.

"Fullmetal Alchemist," he announced, pausing in the doorway. "Your cookies were really crappy," he finished, slamming the door behind him.

"WHAT?" they heard Ed scream from inside.

The end.


End file.
